And we’ll all go together
To pull wild mountain thyme
All around the purple heather
Today, I headed out on a hiking journey in Scotland but instead of counting sheep, I ended counting my fears.
Part of the reason to sign up for this week-long hiking trip was to face a challenge. To stretch my body and my mind and to experience new adventures. But today was far more challenging than I ever expected.
We hiked an area of the Island of Skye called the Quiraing. A giant landslip in the northeast part of the island, the Quiraing has large jagged cliffs with a slope that falls away into the green valley below. Our path wound is way up and through the cliffs, rocky face on one side and steep drop off on the other. Rocky and muddy, the path topped out at a windy and misty summit.
While I knew some of the hiking trip would be difficult, I was not expecting the steep slope or the rocky terrain. It was probably the scariest thing I have done in a long time and most of the four hour hike was spent battling the trail and my fears.
Some of the fears were easily dismissed. The fear of not keeping up? Whatever. The terrain was a challenge and was going at my own speed. The rest of the group could deal.
Fear of physically being able to complete the hike? Well, I could stop and rest when needed. After all, frequent stops for photos was clearly warranted and gave a good chance to catch my breath.
But the one fear that left me paralyzed and struggling to breathe was the fear of falling. About a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with a type of vertigo and while I have had a few bouts of room-spinning, this was entirely different.
My body physically felt like it was about to fall. Panic flooded my systems, I couldn’t breathe and my body would not move. Not a step. It was like my body was saying, “we are about to fall to our death, so I’m not moving from this spot in order to save us from that”.
What is frustrating is that my mind knew better. I knew I was okay. There were other people on the trail, I had a climbing pole and I could go as slowly as needed. But my body was not listening.
But since I couldn’t stand on that hillside forever, somehow I had to figure out how to go forwards, despite that fact that it was the last thing I wanted to do. I had no choice but to try and unparalyze myself from the fear.
Since I’m back at the hotel room writing this, you will know that somehow I made it. I talked gently and lovingly to my body, respecting how it felt while trying to keep it moving forwards. My sister helped me, talking to me the whole way, telling jokes and stories to keep me distracted and she even took my camera and took photos so I could see them later. I watched only the path in front of me although I did manage to look up a few times, if rarely down.
This was my second experience with whatever you call this kind of vertigo panic attack. The first was on Glastonbury Tor last year. From that experience, I learned that sometimes you just have to move forwards through the fear because there is no other choice.
What struck me this time, once the adrenaline had cleared from my system and I was having a nice cup of tea at the end of the walk, was that people say that one of the worst fears is the fear of the unknown.
I’m not sure about that. If I had known at the first upward turn of the path today what was ahead of me, I would not have continued. After struggling through the first of river crossings and down-up that first slippery slope, if I had known that it was but the first of many heart-pounding, breath stealing, panicky stretches of trail then I would not have been able to continue. Hell, if I’d known what that hike was like, I would not have left the carpark!
Perhaps when we face our fears, it’s best not to know what is ahead so we can do it one tiny step at a time. Focus just on the challenge in front of us and not worry about what is next. Perhaps the whole path ahead is too intimidating to think of in its entirety. It can only be traversed one challenge at a time.
Did I have fun? No. Would I ever do it again? Not willingly. Am I glad I did it? Meh, maybe give me a few more days to recover. Am I proud of myself? Hell yes!!!! And I am grateful for everything that my fears and that path taught me today.
And as I take my tired body to bed, I’ll be happy with just counting sheep.
I wonder what it is about human nature that makes us want to build large sculptures upon the landscape. Whether industrial and functional or purely aesthetic and artform, they certainly make a statement of human interaction with our natural world.
Yesterday, I visited two such sites in Scotland – the Falkirk Wheel and the Kelpies.
The Falkirk Wheel is the only rotating boat lift in the world and connects the Forth and Clyde Canal with the Union Canal. Opened in 2002, it lifts (or lowers) boats 24 meters enabling the vessels (mostly recreational) to travel all the way from Edinburgh to Glasgow.
While an impressive technological structure, I found the Wheel equally beautiful in its design. Remarkably quiet in its turning, the strait lines of the canal partner with the curves of the wheel in an artful display of both beauty and function.
The second stop, the Kelpies, are pure art. The Kelpies are 30-meter high horse heads which just opened to the pubic in April, 2014. Designed Andy Scott they are a monument to horse-powered heritage in this part of Scotland.
Kelpies are mythical transformational water spirits of incredible strength said to live in the lochs and pools of Scotland and who can appear as either horses or humans. According to sculptor Andy Scott “The original concept of mythical water horses was a valid starting point for the artistic development of the structures. I took that concept and moved with it towards a more equine and contemporary response, shifting from any mythological references towards a socio-historical monument intended to celebrate the horse’s role in industry and agriculture as well as the obvious association with the canals as tow horses.”
While beautiful and wild looking from the park, the Kelpies are especially striking from the highway. You come around a corner, and suddenly there they are, looking just as though they are sticking their heads over the fence, ready to run wild given the chance.
And surely that desire to run wild and free through the landscape is just as much part of human nature as our desire to build large sculpures.
You and me, we got this
You and me, we’re beautiful, beautiful …
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