Monthly Archives: May 2012

I’ll have a shot of tequila

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You know that analogy of pessimism/optimism where some people see the glass as half empty and some people see it as half full?  Well, my favourite answer to that is “the glass has room for a shot of tequila”. 🙂

On Saturday I had a pleasure of hosting a whole bunch of friends at my place for a birthday party. As I looked around the room, I realized that all of us had some full glass and some empty glass. Figuratively as well as literally.

We all had reasons that some things sucked in our lives right now. Some people had partners that couldn’t be there. Others were feeling the loneliness of having no partner. Some people are having health issues or have family with health issues. Some are struggling financially and looking for work. Some are wrestling with tough decisions about life changes or embarking on scary new paths.

But, you’d never know it from the love and laughter in the room. We had all gathered there to celebrate with our friends.  And share. The sucky stuff but all the good stuff. Planning for a wedding, new jobs, projects in our lives that we are passionate about, creating warm and safe homes, raising our children.

And, whether our glasses are half empty, or half full, I think that attitude is the shot of tequila that we can all add. The magical spirit that transforms. Because we can acknowledge and feel the challenges that we have – and wow are some of them hard –  but we need also to celebrate our blessings. To not just feel our gratitude but to practice it everyday, especially when things are hard. I am grateful for the love of my friends for helping me remember that.

Of course, the other answer to the glass question is the engineering response – that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. But, since I never want to make my life smaller, I’ll just stick with the shot of tequila, thanks!

Meat Market

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So, when you’re single and people think you need to meet a man, for some reason they often recommend taking a cooking class.  Are cooking schools modern-day matchmakers? Or, perhaps my cooking is just so bad that my friends are jumping on any opportunity to not have to eat another lasagna dinner.

And the cooking schools people recommend are REALLY expensive! I could go to a fancy restaurant for cheaper than that and not have to do any of the work myself!

But, I would like to learn to cook better. Well, actually, I’d like to be able to have more fun cooking my dinners for one (grilled cheese again, madame?).  So, I’ve taken a couple of classes at a cheaper cooking class (thank you, night school!). They were … okay. Chefs were great; other students were mostly in couples and not really friendly. Let’s just say it was a lot like cooking for myself at home. Kinda solitary.

But last Christmas some of my friends pooled their money and gave me a gift certificate for one of those schools that everyone had been recommending to me. One of those places that I would never have spent my own money on. A place where people recommended to me that I sign up for the “single’s night” classes. Something I equate to being forced to compete in a cross between a beauty pageant and Valentine’s Day at school where you put a brown paper bag on your desk and have everyone see how popular you were.

So, yeah, I’d rather gouge my eye out with a spoon than sign up for that. Although, I suppose I might learn how to delicately sauté my eye and serve it with a side of kale chips. (side note: the “women’s” part of the singles night class was sold out for months. The “gentlemen’s” side? LOTS of space!).

But, browsing through the course list I came across a class where they butcher a hind of beef and teach you where all the different cuts of steak come from. And, then you learn to cook several dishes – including beef carpaccio and steak!  Perfect for me! I have never understood different cuts of meat or how to cook them. I have a BBQ on my patio that a friend bought and used once (they used it, not me). It has sat there for two years gradually rusting away.

I signed up, survived the epic battle with anxiety on the night of the class, and went. It was so much fun!  I met some great people (men and women), had great conversations, learned about cuts of meat, cooked three amazing dishes (yes, my sliders won third prize, thank you very much!), came home and fell into a beef coma.

Maybe you’re way ahead of me on this lesson, dear reader, but I’ll go there anyway. The difference? I went to the class for myself. Even though several friends upon hearing that I had signed up made the very helpful comment, “maybe you’ll meet a man!”

I didn’t. But, I did learn how to cook an amazing steak. And I’m pretty happy with that.

Through the looking glass

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I have always loved glass art. The play of light; how it is both delicate and strong at the same time. How when you look at glass you not only see the glass itself, but also the reflection of yourself.  To me, glass seems alive. It has its own story but also tells you part of your story. There is a relationship there.

A few weeks ago, I heard about a new Glass Co-op which was offering classes. Now, I have never considered myself an artist. There was a big part of me that said, “you don’t belong in a STUDIO, you aren’t good enough for that”. And, this was one of the activities that “the ex” and I had talked about doing together.  But, in the spirit of doing the things I really want to do and not waiting  for some mythic future, I signed up.  And, showed up at the class. Two very different types of courage.

Now, three classes into the 6-week course, I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear that it’s been loads of fun.  There are 5 people in the class, 4 guys and me.  And, I can’t help but think that the guys, while all really nice, seem to fit certain stereotypes (or archetypes?). There is the experienced glass worker who normally works with soft glass (we uses boro or hard glass) so he has lots of technical questions that are way above my head. There is the “engineer/scientist” guy who works with spreadsheets all day and talks about the sciency things he wants to make. He added copper to his glass one week trying to make something, despite the fact that he didn’t know what it would do and the place isn’t properly vented to burn copper. There is the older guy, a Doctor, who has his own fancy expensive special glasses and whose work is beautiful and who makes 2 pieces in the time everyone else makes one. And, there is the teenager, who doesn’t follow instructions, preferring to try to run before he has learned how to walk. He gets lots on one-on-one time fixing pieces. Which are wonderfully creative.

And, then, there is me.  So, where do I fit in this mosaic? At first, I thought I might be the “40’ish divorcee” type who is taking up hobbies with her new-found free time and finding herself. But, since I’ve never been married (or divorced), that didn’t seem to fit.  And, then the other day a friend of mine asked me “Do you always take classes? You seem to be always taking some course or another”.   That’s it! I am the woman who is always taking courses! In fact, right now I taking three different courses as well as teaching one!

I kind of like that. Because I do love learning things. And, I haven’t always felt like that was an okay or acceptable part of myself. When I was a kid, I was teased for being the “smart” kid in the class. And, I still hate to feel like I’m stupid. In fact, fear of appearing stupid can stop me from even trying things (put a quarter in the therapy jar for that piece of insight). I have also had people tell me, “you know, men find smart women intimidating”.  Luckily, I have learned that those aren’t the men I’d need to spend time with and there are lots of men who don’t feel that way.

Now,  just before I leave you with the impressions that I am some sort of mensa genius, I am not.  Last year, it took me 6 months to figure out how to get a new garage door opener that worked. And I needed help to do that! What I do think is that I love learning. And, I find ideas, and discussion, and books fascinating. I love to be intellectual stimulated.

But, this new realm of working with my hands is a place of less security (remember: 6 months, one garage remote).  And  so I am letting go of my fears of not being good. Or good enough. I am accepting that I can feel anxious without letting it stop me from showing up.  I am trying to stop comparing myself against the other people.  Accept that my pieces don’t need to be “perfect”.  Learn to not try to control the glass but rather let it shape and find it’s own expression.

That might be the most fun thing of all. That I can release the baggage around my love of learning. That I can feed this passion like the torch feeds oxygen into the flame and transforms rigid glass into swirls of light and beauty. May it do the same to me, so that my story reflects who I am.

Decide what to be and go be it

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There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

Avett Brothers – A Head Full of Doubt / Road Full of Promise

I love this song. It makes me want to sing it defiantly at the top of lungs. And, since I live alone, I’m off to do just that!

Swimming out to see …

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There is a well-known feminist slogan, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle“.  The suggestion being that a man is not necessary in a woman’s life for her to be happy and fulfilled. At least, that’s how I read it.

And, while I would never say that women don’t need men – because we all need each other in this life regardless of gender – I realize that I have been waiting for a bicycle to come along to make my fishy life go swimmingly.

Last September, my boyfriend made a decision to end our relationship and go back to his ex-wife.  Rest assured, dear reader, that this blog is NOT about that particular drama. But, the journey over the past 8 months has made me realize that subconsciously I have been waiting to meet a partner to do and enjoy all the things that I want to do in this lifetime. It’s not that I was waiting for my knight in shining armour but just that I was waiting for someone to ride along with.

And, because I was doing that, I was missing the joy in riding alone. And, sometimes missing the ride altogether. So, enough of missing the present by waiting for a future that may or may not happen.

Don’t get me wrong – I am not throwing in the towel, giving up hope of meeting someone and settling into a life of eccentric spinsterhood.  Hell, no!! Although, a little eccentricity could be fun. But, I don’t know if I will meet someone or not. I can’t predict the future.

What I can do is figure out what I want to do right now, today. And, have the courage to get out there and do it.

And, because I hope one day to be a very old lady with more adventures forgotten than remembered, I thought I would chronicle the struggles and joys of this single life.

Maybe someday this blog will end with “and so marriage ends my single life” or maybe  “Single woman passes away in a once-in-a-lifetime adventure”.  Who knows?

But, for today, it starts with this fish heading out into the big blue ocean.