Monthly Archives: June 2012

Fireworks

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Last night at the BC Lion’s game I had the privilege of seeing Geroy Simon break the CFL’s all time receiving record. Which means, he’s run and caught the ball a lot.  A really lot.

It was a great night. As he came closer and closer to breaking the record, the excitement grew with each pass that headed his way. And, when he caught the one that broke the record, the place went nuts. Cheering and clapping, everyone on their feet, fireworks, media scrum, a presentation, t-shirts for sale. You name it.

So, as I sat there trying to understand the speeches over the loud-speaker in BC Place (yeah, gave up on that) and pondering if I wanted to buy a t-shirt (probably not) I got to considering such an achievement.

Two things stand out. One – Geroy was cut from a lot of teams before he found his groove with the Lions in 2001. So, there is an obvious lesson there about not giving up in the face of rejection. Got it. It’s not how many times you get knocked down, it’s how many times you get back up.

But second, in achieving his “fireworks” moment, Geroy had to show up for the last 10 years and play consistently every single game. He had to run and catch the ball, over and over again, regardless of the playing conditions, whether the team was winning or losing, through aching muscles and whatever personal shit he was going on in his life. In the past 10 seasons, he’s missed only 3 games due to injuries.

So here’s where it gets personal. I think that sometimes I am a “fireworks” person. I dream of the moment of success – running effortlessly up hill, wearing a size 6 dress, winning “employee of the year”, paying all my bills with money leftover for savings, eaten my low carb lots of veggies food every day, having a “plus one” for every wedding. You know, accolades that validate me as perfect.

Which seems to me a good path to take if you want to drop the ball but clearly not if you want to catch it and run with it.  In fact, trying to be perfect seems to me to be like expecting to score by running into the end zone without even looking at the ball, never mind catching it. Kind of missing the point(s).

But when I have the kind of consistency and effort that Geroy has at MY game; when I show up every day and do my work including morning meditation, evening journalling, apologizing when I make mistakes, practicing authenticity, allowing myself to be vulnerable and looking after my side of the street (um, and ONLY my side) then I get my “fireworks” moments.

Fireworks moments like being happy with who I am. Having rich and connected relationships with wonderful friends and my family. Going to a job where my work is meaningful. Financial security. A safe home. Recovery from my food addiction. Acceptance of my imperfect self.

Fireworks, indeed. Think I should sell t-shirts?

Is this seat taken?

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Over the past several months, I have started doing more things on my own. Sometimes because there is no one around to do stuff with, sometimes because I am too lazy to call a friend but more and more often because I find that I *like* doing stuff on my own!

I have never been very good about heading out there into the world as a single. I like to share experiences; to talk them over and hear what others think. I process things by talking. And, going with a friend is like a safety net.  In case I end up standing there alone, like the last kid picked for softball.

It started with coffee in my local coffee shop. I would head over in the morning on the weekend, get a coffee and a bagel and read or catch up on e-mail or Facebook. I thought I would be lonely, look like a loser sitting all by myself. I was so wrong.

I love it. I love getting up whenever I want, heading over when I get hungry and not at a specified “meeting” time. I love reading or writing at my own pace. I love the time spent just with me.  In fact, I often go for a walk afterwards.  By myself.

I have always thought I would feel embarrassed (or is that ashamed?) of being out in public on my own. A table for one in a restaurant. Sitting alone in the movies. Being that single person on a bus tour.

Turns out, when I’m not ashamed of being single, none of those things make me feel ashamed! Or nervous. Or sad.

They are stress-free. They are peaceful. They are fun.

And, they make me really appreciate when I do things with my friends. Because when I do, it’s because I really want to be with them. Not using them as a safety net.

Sometimes, I meet people and have interesting conversations.  Most of the time, it gives me time to think. To process my emotions. To write. To ground. To feel gratitude for the many blessings in my life.  Blessings like having the freedom most of the time to do what I want, when I want. Like having great friends who like spending time with me.

I am working towards one day taking a trip all by myself. Traveling without the safety net of a friend. Flying solo, as it were.

Is this seat taken? Cause I’m taking it.

No way out but through

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I spent the weekend away with some wonderful women at a cabin on one of the Gulf Islands in B.C.  On Sunday, we hiked along a path that ended up at the top of a bluff overlooking a narrow passageway between our island and the next. The currents through this narrow passage are fast and there was a bunch of kayakers taking a class and shooting the rapid waters. Most of them headed right into the current, whooping as they hit the white water and were picked up and carried by the currents.

And then there was that one kayaker. The one who hung back and was back paddling at the top of the rapids to keep from heading into them. Back paddling but going nowhere due to the current.  Oh yeah, I thought, I SO get that feeling. Seeing the hard path ahead and not wanting to move forward, even as I am slowly pulled towards the rocks and waves.

Also watching the kayaker, one of my dear friends who was sitting next to me said, “there’s no way out but through”.

Ain’t that the truth! There’s no way out but through …

There are so many things in life that I have tried to avoid doing and feeling because they would stir the waters. Keeping silent to avoid conflict, not saying no for fear that people won’t like me, taking risks that might make me look stupid, being vulnerable in case my heart gets broken, admitting when I’m hurt or angry, numbing out with food so I don’t feel the loneliness and the pain and the sadness, letting failure stop me from trying again.  Frantically back paddling and ending up stuck in one place.

But, those things are really part of life. And, there is no way to get out of the pain and hurt but to head right through them. To take risks, love deeply, be yourself, speak your truth, pick yourself up after a failure and move forward armed with what you learned. Head into the rapids and paddle like crazy.

Not an easy thing to do when the pain is so sharp that you think you can’t breathe. When “one day at a time” turns into “just the next 10 minutes” or “just get up and make it to the shower” or “just wait to cry until you’re out of the grocery store”.

I keep waiting to “get over” the pain.  To be back to the way I was before the hurt happened.  But, I will never be what I was before. I have changed and been changed by what I have learned about myself and my world by these events.  But, by heading through the pain and hurt I can slowly moving past it.

And, as hard as it is to head into the turbulent churning of emotions, it’s also the only way we get to experience the thrill of the ride and to whoop with joy. To be in the current of life and not stuck in an eddy.

And, that’s what that kayaker did, too. Headed through the rapids, paddling like crazy, hopefully enjoying the ride, and then relaxing in the calmer ocean on the other side.  I’m planning to do the same.