I have been described as many things but patient is not one of them.
I am a big ideas person. I have a vision of how things can be and I work hard to realize those visions. And a lot of times that is a really great quality.
But when things go sideways or off track, it throws me. Everyone is turning left and off in the new direction and I am left standing there, saying “but … we were going this way …”
I read this great post this week called Why lying broken in a pile on your bedroom floor is a good idea. It talked about how when you are going through a transition like a breakup or a losing your job there is a period of mourning the death of the future, of the way you saw things unfolding.
I can so relate to that. I envy people who can easily change direction accepting that “oh well, things have changed!”
For me it takes some time. Time to get my feet back under me. To regroup and adjust to the new state. To pull back from the future that I thought was coming and back into the reality of what is. Time to stand still for awhile and then figure out the new direction.
This week has been like that. Work projects are in transition and I’m having to adjust and be patient. So far, my plans on four of the five nights this past week have changed unexpectedly. The photography class I’m taking is not what I thought it would be and I’m trying to set aside my disappointment and go with the flow of the class.
Thing is, last week I celebrated the autumn equinox. That time of equal balance between light and dark, night and day, life and death. As part of the celebration, I wrote this about the spirit of the equinox -
I am the perfect balance of the present. What is past has already been and what is the future is yet to be determined. What has gone before cannot be changed and what lies ahead is yet to be known. My gift is the peace of the present.
My lesson is to live in this moment. For the present has been shaped by the past and it is the present that will shape the future.
Live in the blessings of the still point of balance between light and dark, night and day, creation and destruction. For ever do these revolve in endless cycle.
Dark triumphs over light bringing death and rest. Light banishes the dark bringing rebirth and growth. But always they dance around the single point of equilibrium.
So live in the moment. Dance and sing and love and learn and be fully alive in the here and now. Live today as you would live your whole life.
For this moment is all that we have.
This weekend I am headed to Seattle and going to visit the Chihuly Exhibition and Gardens. I am going to try and set aside what I think the weekend will be. I am going to take lots of pictures of the glass art and not worry about the photography.
I am going to try and allow myself the time to adjust to some of the painful changes in direction that life has thrown at me. To allow myself to stand still and breathe and not expect that I have to be off and running again.
Because while it’s great to see the path ahead of me, I don’t want miss what’s right in front of me. To miss the chance to stop and be open to the other possibilities.
So for right now, I am going to try and be patient and still and let the future unfold in all its mystery.