Differently happy

Historically, I have not been very good at going places on my own. I get nervous. And anxious.

I can always tell if I am nervous about something because I immediately start worrying excessively about what I will wear and how I look.

I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. My friends tell me that they can’t imagine me having problems meeting people and socializing. Probably cause they see me when I’m with them!

But somehow I always have this terrible picture in my head of me standing alone, not wanted in the crowd. Doing that trick of pretending I am reading a very important e-mail on my iPhone (cause that’s how important I am!)

Maybe that’s a remnant from childhood/teenager years where I always felt different. And different was bad. Wow, did I learn that. Too smart was bad. Too fat was bad. Too ambitious was bad. Caring too much was bad.

Last night I wanted to go to the open house at the glass studio where I am taking classes (and have applied to join). I could have taken a friend for a safety blanket but I really wanted to do it on my own.

To show up as me, with all my wonderful differences – you know, the things that make me ME – and meet a few people and watch the guest glass artist.

And, that’s what I did. With surprisingly little anxiety. Feeling great about my outfit and my hair – yup, even my hair was good. Feeling happy with who I am. Feeling proud of my differences.

Kind of a cool milestone in this emotional journey. And, the only thing I did with my iPhone was take pictures.


10 thoughts on “Differently happy

  1. I think everyone feel the same, only they hide it. I also feel high anxiety when I do things alone as my “friend shield” is gone. People judge you on so much.. I am happy to say the older I get, and at 54, I care less and less over peoples opinions of me based on first impressions. I know I am a good person, a loving giving person. A wee bit fluffier then some, but it is what it is. I am so proud of you for going outside your comfort zone! It sounds like a wonderful class, be sure and post what you make 🙂

    • Thanks! Thing is, nothing is wrong with my hair! I just THINK something is wrong with it. Like it has to be some imaginary version of perfect so society can approve of me. That’s a lot of pressure on my poor hairs!

  2. I once heard someone say (Sex And The City?) when you’re at dinner by yourself, and you feel that everyone is looking at you and feeling sorry for you, order dessert just to piss them off 😉 (and note: nobody is looking at you or feeling sorry for you, they probably don’t even notice you)

  3. When I see someone eating dinner out on their own I am envious as I feel too self concious to do it myself. I have been in a hotel and eaten breakfast alone when other guest from the wedding had not arrived and a very good looking waiter made a point of talking to me every time he past me so maybe it’s a good thing to do. Well done on facing your fear

    • I’m still working on eating out alone. I love the coffee shop in the morning, and occasionally do lunch. Still working on dinner. Even when I travel for work I often get take out and go back to my hotel room. I still use the shield of a book or my iPad at a restaurant. But, I have eaten out alone and so that is making progress. There is this great restaurant in NY that seats single diners at a table (not at the bar) and gives them a complimentary glass of champagne. The owner says he doesn’t like the way single female diners are treated. That’s pretty cool and not a bad marketing strategy. Article is at http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/06/15/a-table-for-one/

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