Author Archives: WendyA

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About WendyA

glass artist, taker of photos, singing my truth following a pagan spiritual path and exploring the landscape that is me

I-run-knee of a miracle

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I think I need to be more specific about what I pray for.

My word for this year is joy. I wrote about what that means in the broader sense but one of the specific joys that want to feel again is the amazing feeling that I have when I run.  There is a point in the run where I move from hating it to loving it. It’s probably that moment where my mind gives up fighting me and decides to work with me. It’d be nice if my mind would give up earlier in the run but I guess it’s a slow learner.

My mind seems to have an endless supply of  reasons excuses to keep me from wrestling into the workout bra and lacing my shoes. It’s too dark and not safe, it’s raining, getting more sleep is healthy, people will see me, I should check my e-mail/facebook/twitter first, it means I have to shower/wash/style my hair after, mercury is in retrograde. Whatever.

So, I’ve been praying for the willingness to get out there and just do it.  To give me a boost, I signed up for a training clinic for a 10K run which runs at 9am on Sunday morning. I knew I would miss the first two weeks but I’ve done the clinic before so I had the training schedule for the first two weeks so I figured I do them on my own. Plus, the training run is through a forested area of my city which is just beautiful.

Last Sunday was the first day of the clinic for me. I did not do the first two weeks on my own (surprise, surprise). Somehow the hacking cough I’ve developed and a trip to Hawaii seemed like good reasons excuses.

But, here’s the miracle. I got out of bed (after being up very late celebrating the night before) and made it to the clinic. I did the third-week run and loved it. The clinic leader was incredible and supportive in just the right way for me. None of that faster, higher, stronger crap. Just a gentle encouragement and a reminder to be in the now of the run and not worry about anything or anyone else.

There was a great moment when I was worrying about people passing us on the forest trail and she said, “just keep to the right and don’t worry about anyone else. You don’t have to manage the forest.” Heh heh, it’s like she knew me.

So, all is good, right? Yeah, this is where my prayers went sideways. Because my knee decided that, despite all evidence to the contrary, it wasn’t ready to be fully healed from my fall last October. It swelled up and I could hardly walk for three days.

So now, for the first time in my life I really WANT to go running. I was excited about feeling healthier, happier and stronger. I have the willingness but now not the capability.  Oh, the irony. I’m like a stranger in a strange land, here.

So, it’s off to the physiotherapist for me. And, an alternate plan of hopefully walking or swimming or something!

And, maybe some prayers for patience as well.

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A letter to my 12-year old self

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Dear 12-year old me –

It is going to be okay. You are on the right path and you are doing great. You are beautiful; not because of your physical looks but because you have a light that shines in you and pours forth in your smile and your energy. That is attractive. You have a fire that ignites your mind and burns brightly in your heart. And, when your fire gets dampened by hurt and rejection, which it will, remember you are surrounded by people who will reignite that fire. Cry, talk to them, be open and honest and vulnerable. They will help and it’s okay to need and accept help. We all do.

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Keep doing the things in your life that you love – sing, run, dance, feed your intellect – and be yourself. Don’t worry about trying to be what society tells you to be. When you are yourself, you are happy. And you will know that the people around you truly see you, not a fake you, and they like you.  Don’t waste your time and energy on people who don’t like you. It’s better to let them go or to walk away from them.

Take risks, especially when you love because it’s worth it. Even when you get hurt. And, you will.  But, when that happens, when you’re sad or angry or scared or feeling rejected or insecure, try to accept these feelings. Don’t try to make them go away by eating or pretending you don’t care. That won’t work and the feelings will end up festering inside you and affecting your ability to connect with others and to heal. Give the feelings some space, acknowledge them, and then focus your energy on the positive things in your life and they will pass, leaving you with valuable lessons in their wake. To help process these emotions, prioritize your self-care. Self-care means spending time doing the things that are most important to you.

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Feelings do not define you or your life. You can have a sad day without it meaning your life is sad. You can fail at something without it meaning you are a failure.  Failing and making mistakes is a key part of the learning process. No one hits the bullseye the first time they shoot an arrow. You get closer with each “failed” shot.

You can be rejected without it meaning you are unworthy of being loved. It just means the fit wasn’t right. Learn from that and try again.

You can be imperfect without it meaning you are a less-than disappointment. When you feel imperfect, accept that we are all imperfect; it’s part of being human.

There is no such thing as controlled perfectionism, where if you do everything right than everything will be okay.  Life will happen. You only have control over how you react to events, not the events themselves. And, when you let go of the control you create the space for wonderful unexpected things to happen.  Better than you could ever pick for yourself.

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Don’t worry about being anxious. Pay attention to your body but don’t let feeling anxious stop you from living your life the way you want and doing the things you really want to do.

So, keep being you. Allow yourself to be seen and don’t hide. Keep being fierce about following your joy.

Keep up the good work. You are doing great!

with love always,
43-year old you/me

PS – you will get to see lava someday!!

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Aloha, Hawaii

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When you live in a city where it rains from October to June, it seems eminently sensible to head out somewhere sunny in January. I think it should be a standard prescription for the January blues. Think our health care system could cover the costs?

The trip started off a bit shaky – too hot, not feeling so great (I do NOT recommend snorkelling and nausea together!) and feeling like I’d stumbled into a Dr. Seuss book about the idyllic land of weddings and romance.

She was single, gadzooks! Beware!
For there were couples, everywhere!

But, once I sorted out my gremlins and got over my seasickness (again, snorkelling and nausea =  not good), the trip turned into all kinds of awesomeness.

I snorkelled with a manta ray, stood on Mauna Kea at 10,000 ft as the sun set on my right and the full moon rose on my left. I saw Jupiter and six of her moons through a big telescope. I drove our fun Jeep on all kind of winding roads with stunning vistas of the ocean. I perused artisan crafts and had the best Tahitian vanilla ice cream. I saw hot flowing lava hit the ocean in a hissing mass of steam and awesome power and felt the heat of two thousand degrees on my face.

I stood on near the edge of a volcano crater as it steamed and smoked. I walked on cold lava with new life springing forth, hiked across the lava to see petroglyphs and walked under the earth through a lava tube. I saw more colourful flowers and birds than I could ever name. I was wakened early in the morning by rain sweeping through the jungle (nice) and also by a very loud rooster (not nice but I do like eggs for breakfast).

I had heartfelt talks and giggles with one of my closest friends who has known me for over half my life. I had interesting conversations with the new people we met along the way – from Hungary, Japan, New Jersey and Seattle.

And, on the last day, as we sat and soaked up some end-of-the-trip sun, some dolphins came by to say hello. Or, maybe goodbye. Or, maybe just Aloha.

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A single sunset

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It was almost two years ago that I came smack up against my shame gremlins.

I was on a similar “break from the rainy wet coast for some sun on a tropical island” vacation and I had brought Brene Brown’s book on shame with me. I didn’t really think I had an issue with shame but Brene’s other book on letting go of other’s expectations of me helped me so much and so I thought I’d give the shame book a read.

One of the exercises said to outline things that you don’t want to be seen as. The first three on my list – fat/ugly, financially irresponsible and stupid seemed pretty self-explanatory as reflections of perfectionism. All are subjective in that they change from situation to situation largely dependent on how I feel about myself. On how secure I feel.

And then there was the fourth – single. Not subjective but a cold, hard fact that I had been banging my head on over and over without realizing it.

It was both a moment of sheer horror and sheer revelation. A naked, exposed moment of vulnerability. A wave of hot, flushing cheeks, of an acknowledgement of deep pain, the breaking of a dam of long held-back emotions and an overwhelming urge to run and hide forever.

But, also a moment of great hope. Of the beginning of a journey to ask why something which is not shameful should make me feel that way. And, the beginning of accepting that expecting myself to be brilliant, thin, financially padded and married might just be the source of unhappiness and anxiety, rather than the fact that I am not any of those things.

I am reminded of that pivotal moment here on this tropical island. This place that celebrates couples. Of honeymoons and 50th wedding anniversaries. Of couples discounts and romantic sunsets.

To be honest, the first few days were a bit of a jolt of “I don’t belong here” and “this isn’t my world”. And so, as I have done again and again over these past two years, I have had to set aside what I think my world is supposed to be and ask myself what do I want my world to actually be?

So far, my rain break world has included overcoming anxiety about wearing a wetsuit so I can snorkel with a manta ray, lazing on the beach, exploring some sacred places on this island, good talks with one of my best friends, and last night, standing near the top of one of the highest places on earth with the sun setting on one side of me and the full moon rising on the other.

A moment of perfect balance and beauty. A moment where I was filled with gratitude that I am smart enough, thin enough, financially responsible enough and singularly me enough to stand in that moment in perfect contentment.

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