Category Archives: gratitude

Thank you, Sesame Street

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Sometimes, I have no idea what I’m feeling.

That’s why I love the clip I posted of Dave Matthews and Grover yesterday from Sesame Street. At the beginning, neither of them knows what they are feeling. And then, through a song (of course!) they work it out. What a great thing to teach kids.

I never learned that as a kid. It’s only over the past 5 years or so that I have been learning how to identify my feelings. When I was a kid, my family never talked about our feelings. Eventually, I started using food to just numb them out. Thing is, though, you can’t numb just the bad feelings. You end up numbing out everything.

When I started to feel my feelings again, it was such a learning process of sitting with the feeling and figuring it out. Is it anger? Is it hurt? What kind of hurt? Disappointed hurt? Sad hurt? Is it love? Gratitude? Nervous anxiety or fear anxiety? Anger shielding something else?

And then there are feelings that don’t quite have a good word. Combinations of feelings; layers of feelings at the same time. Happy and sad. Anger with love. Laughter through pain. Disappointment with gratitude. Or, like Grover, to make a wish with all your heart and have it not come true. Or, like Dave, to be happy for a friend but just a little bit jealous, too.

I have found myself during emotionally charged conversations needing to say, “can I just take a few minutes? I need to sit and be quiet and figuring out how I’m feeling.”

Yesterday was a rough day. I was overwhelmed with life and not feeling physically well. I texted my sister and said “I need a hug. I just want to cry.” She texted a hug. And, then, I sat and cried for a few minutes. And then I felt a little better.

In the midst of crying, I thought “wow, this is so great.” Five years ago, I would not have been able to do that. To ask for help. To just let go and cry. To understand the emotional need and then fill that need.

And then, that made me laugh at myself just a bit.

I’m glad Sesame Street is there to help kids. And, sometimes, us adults, too.

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Tofino

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Sometimes, I forget how lucky I am.

In July, I spent a week in Tofino with my sister and brother-in-law and my niece and nephew who travelled across Canada to spend time with me. Lots of the pictures from the last month have been from that week. Looking back through them, I realize how lucky I am to live so close to such an amazing place. And, to have family that I love spending time with.

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Tofino is located on the west coast of the West Coast of Canada in Clayoquot Sound. That is, the west coast of Vancouver Island. From Vancouver, you take a ferry across to the Island, then drive all the way across the island til you get to the Hesquiaht Peninsula and travel to the end on the only road. There you will find Tofino.

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Incredible long beaches with big waves that roll in off the Pacific ocean just ready to be surfed. Huge cedar trees, hundreds of years old and some over a thousand. Incredible marine and terrestrial wildlife – whales and seals and sea lions and eagles and bears and wolves. Oh my!!

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Tofino’s economy is based on eco-tourism. Surfing, kayaking, whale-watching, hiking, sailing, bird-watching. Storm-watching in the winter. They’ve got it all. A wide range of artists and artisans and First Nations culture.

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The other economic staple of the region is forestry and logging. In the summer of 1993, environmentalists and First Nations groups spear-headed a large, mostly peaceful protest against the intended logging of old-growth forest. Dubbed The War in the Woods, over 800 people were arrested in Canada’s largest incident of civil disobedience.  Due largely to these protests, which gained world-wide attention, and a Greenpeace-initiated boycott of BC forest products, an agreement was reached between environmental groups, First Nations groups, the Provincial Government and MacMillan Bloedel, the logging company. There has been mostly peace in the woods since then.

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For us, the week consisted of surfing, sea kayaking, whale-watching, kite-flying, long walks and bike rides along the beach, great food, a trip to the local aquarium, lots of photography and art, and a crazy game app called Space Team, where we all had to try to work together to fly a space ship. It mostly resulted in us yelling crazy instructions to each other as the ship eventually crashed into oblivion. If we ever get invaded by aliens, don’t rely on us to hijack and fly the alien ship!

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It was a great week. The kids are teenagers now so they finally sleep in (yay!) and they both now like sushi (double yay!).  And, my sister and I had lots of time for long talks, as opposed to our regular, cross time zone text-chatting.

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People come long way from all over the world to visit Tofino – UK, Germany, France, Australia and New Zealand, China and Japan. And, here it is right in my own backyard.

Yup, sometimes I forget just how lucky I really am.  May I never take my many blessings for granted.

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Days that help me be myself

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I think it was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

I completely agree. Sometimes, it seems like each day is a struggle to figure out who I am, to remember it and to live and breathe it in my actions, my words and my choices. Days when self-doubt is the demon that requires repeated slaying.

And then there are the other times. Those all-to-rare days when I feel completely myself and completely at ease. Days when I know that despite the hard decisions, my heart and my life are in alignment. Days which replenish my soul and re-stoke my fires.

Days like this past weekend.

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Days away with amazing women who listen and support and never doubt for a minute that I am perfect just the way I am.

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Days spent exploring the beach, listening to birdsong and attuning with nature.

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Days spent listening, reading and eating good food made with love. Days of quiet solitude and burst of laughter. Days of story-telling, sharing wisdom and  confiding secrets.

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Days when I have time to stop, slow down, notice the little things. Time to consider things from another perspective.

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Days where all the worries leave me and I know that everything will be okay. That I will be okay.

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Days that help me be myself. Not just for the weekend but hopefully for all the days to come.

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Clearing space

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On Saturday, I spent several hours gardening in a labyrinth.

Now, I am not a gardener. My rooftop patio has not a plant on it (except for that weird thing growing in one corner that I didn’t plant). It is decorated with art and beach treasures and other things that don’t die and don’t need water.

But I love labyrinths. I love the twist and the turns. I love that you lose the path and have only faith that you will end up somewhere. I love that just when you are lost, you find the centre. And, I love that each labyrinth has it’s own energy – a heady mix from all the people who have journeyed within it plus the energy of the land that it resides upon.

So I volunteered to help garden the labyrinth. And the job on Saturday was to clear away last year’s growth, now dead. And, we cleared a lot!!

As I ripped out the dead old branches and leaves, clearing space, I realized how much new growth was hidden under the weight of that old growth. New shoots, green and fresh, reaching for the sky and the sun. In amidst the dead, there was life.

As I carried armful after armful of old branches over to the compost pile, I thought what a perfect metaphor for life this was. Because we have to clear away the old to make room for the new. The old growth blocks the space that the new growth needs.

Some of the old branches came out easily. Others, especially the vine-type growth that snaked it’s way through the grass, required more effort. And, it all went into the compost pile to make new soil. And so it is with each truth about myself I learn and relearn. Some are easy and fun. Some are pretty twisty and tough!

Often times, I think we lament the old. And certainly there can be a grieving process in letting go of the past. But, it too was once the growth that we revelled in and which nourished us. Growth builds upon growth.

In those sunny hours working in the labyrinth, I was grateful for the reminder that clearing away the old is a necessary part of making space for the new.

Oh, and that it is hard work and you should definitely stretch afterward if you want to be able to use your muscles again the next day.

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The balance of my day

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Yesterday was the vernal equinox and the Universe sent me a message.

It’s coming on Spring here in the northern hemisphere and yesterday was the day of equal parts light and dark. And the Universe decided that I needed this message really driven home.

It started off in the darkness of an early morning dentist appointment to fix my first ever cavity. Apparently, I have sticky grooves. (aside – wouldn’t that be an awesome name for a band?!)

So, my first ever filling. And my first time with freezing. Sigh. The end of a perfect streak.

I have long loved the fact that I have made it into my 40s without a cavity. I completely realize that this is just a fluke of genetics and not anything to do with my superior brushing and flossing technique (NOT). But it was that thing I could always cite whenever I had to answer “what’s the one thing no one knows about you” or some such nonsense of an ice-breaker exercise.

But then, an unexpected light in the dark. No freezing, no filling. Just a little scraping and a sealant and I was all done. And, a bonus of fixing my slightly jagged-edge bottom front teeth to smooth perfection. Nicely balanced, Universe!

Not so fast, said the Universe. You may technically be cavity free but the day is just starting!

Stopped for a coffee on the way to work and coming out of the coffee shop I spectacularly wiped out on the grassy boulevard that separated me from my car. Well, I should call it the giant muddy boulevard although I think most of the mud ended up all up my pants and back. Not content to drive home it’s point, the Universe had to choose right in front of the coffee shop for my muddy demise. You know, where EVERYONE could watch me do a slow slide into the swamp of no return.

And then the balance turned when a very nice stranger stopped to see if I was okay. And told me a joke that made me laugh. I don’t know who that guy was but I’m thanking the Universe for sending him my way. After a mad dash home and a change of clothes all the way down to my muddy underwear I raced into work and made it just in time for my first meeting. And, I won a free coffee.

And so the day went. It poured rain and then was gloriously sunny. I am swamped with work to the point of chucking the whole thing in when I am unexpectedly headhunted for another job, making me realize how much I love my work and that (apparently) someone noticed. Physio is increasing to twice a week but I somehow managed not to add injury to my knee with my mudslide.

LIfe in balance. The good with the bad. The things that make me so frustrated and the things that make me shake my head and laugh. The hard work and the random rewards. The anger and the gratitude.

I get it, Universe. And I will strive to remember it. Even when I’m lying in the mud.

Now, off to find the other members of Sticky Grooves.

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Out of the pothole and into the firing squad

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After Saturday’s post, I have a whole new level of understanding around why it is hard to talk publicly about depression.

Not that I regret sharing. The comments on what people do to self-care were so enlightening.  The number of  “me, toos” that came in made me feel so much less alone and more normal.  And, the check-ins from my friends by phone, text and e-mail filled me with gratitude for the love and support that I have.

So, not for a moment am I complaining. Quite the opposite.

But the thing about depression is that it thrives in the dark and in the isolation.  When I took that away, and when I shone the light right into it’s scaly little eyes, wow was it uncomfortable!

In fact, the vulnerability was excruciating. Squirmy, skin crawling, bolt for the door, in the firing line excruciating. Every fibre in my being was saying Run! Hide! Don’t let them see you! Don’t talk to me or acknowledge me!

And as much as I hate it when people worry about me – who me? I’m fine – I think what I really fear is that people will pity me. Or that people will think I am pitying myself. After all, who am I to complain! Snap out of it!!!

Things are much better today.

The self-care helped. The writing helped. The sunshine helped. Talking helped. Friends helped. Hugs helped.

Growth happens at the edge of our comfort zone.  Dammit.

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