Days that help me be myself

Posted on June 18, 2013 by WendyA

I think it was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

I completely agree. Sometimes, it seems like each day is a struggle to figure out who I am, to remember it and to live and breathe it in my actions, my words and my choices. Days when self-doubt is the demon that requires repeated slaying.

And then there are the other times. Those all-to-rare days when I feel completely myself and completely at ease. Days when I know that despite the hard decisions, my heart and my life are in alignment. Days which replenish my soul and re-stoke my fires.

Days like this past weekend.

Days away with amazing women who listen and support and never doubt for a minute that I am perfect just the way I am.

Days spent exploring the beach, listening to birdsong and attuning with nature.

Days spent listening, reading and eating good food made with love. Days of quiet solitude and burst of laughter. Days of story-telling, sharing wisdom and confiding secrets.

Days when I have time to stop, slow down, notice the little things. Time to consider things from another perspective.

Days where all the worries leave me and I know that everything will be okay. That I will be okay.

Days that help me be myself. Not just for the weekend but hopefully for all the days to come.

The balance of my day

Posted on March 21, 2013 by WendyA

Yesterday was the vernal equinox and the Universe sent me a message.

It’s coming on Spring here in the northern hemisphere and yesterday was the day of equal parts light and dark. And the Universe decided that I needed this message really driven home.

It started off in the darkness of an early morning dentist appointment to fix my first ever cavity. Apparently, I have sticky grooves. (aside – wouldn’t that be an awesome name for a band?!)

So, my first ever filling. And my first time with freezing. Sigh. The end of a perfect streak.

I have long loved the fact that I have made it into my 40s without a cavity. I completely realize that this is just a fluke of genetics and not anything to do with my superior brushing and flossing technique (NOT). But it was that thing I could always cite whenever I had to answer “what’s the one thing no one knows about you” or some such nonsense of an ice-breaker exercise.

But then, an unexpected light in the dark. No freezing, no filling. Just a little scraping and a sealant and I was all done. And, a bonus of fixing my slightly jagged-edge bottom front teeth to smooth perfection. Nicely balanced, Universe!

Not so fast, said the Universe. You may technically be cavity free but the day is just starting!

Stopped for a coffee on the way to work and coming out of the coffee shop I spectacularly wiped out on the grassy boulevard that separated me from my car. Well, I should call it the giant muddy boulevard although I think most of the mud ended up all up my pants and back. Not content to drive home it’s point, the Universe had to choose right in front of the coffee shop for my muddy demise. You know, where EVERYONE could watch me do a slow slide into the swamp of no return.

And then the balance turned when a very nice stranger stopped to see if I was okay. And told me a joke that made me laugh. I don’t know who that guy was but I’m thanking the Universe for sending him my way. After a mad dash home and a change of clothes all the way down to my muddy underwear I raced into work and made it just in time for my first meeting. And, I won a free coffee.

And so the day went. It poured rain and then was gloriously sunny. I am swamped with work to the point of chucking the whole thing in when I am unexpectedly headhunted for another job, making me realize how much I love my work and that (apparently) someone noticed. Physio is increasing to twice a week but I somehow managed not to add injury to my knee with my mudslide.

LIfe in balance. The good with the bad. The things that make me so frustrated and the things that make me shake my head and laugh. The hard work and the random rewards. The anger and the gratitude.

I get it, Universe. And I will strive to remember it. Even when I’m lying in the mud.

Now, off to find the other members of Sticky Grooves.

7 things I’m giving up on

Posted on March 7, 2013 by WendyA

As a perfectionist, giving up on anything is near impossible for me. That’s like … quitting!!!

Give me dead horse and I’ll beat that thing til it gets up and walks. Which is kind of a horrific expression for which I don’t even want to know the origin. So, maybe it’s more like beating my head against a wall. Yeah, much better.

In the spirit of THAT much nicer image, I figure it’s gotta feel a whole heck of a lot better once I stop.

A friend recently sent me this great article in the Huffington Post called 7 Things I Refuse to Stress About. I think that part of refusing to stress about something is giving up on the expectation of that thing. Or, giving up the expectation of me being something I’m just not!

So, in an attempt to save whatever is left of my forehead and my sanity, here is my list of the 7 things I am okay with giving up on –

1. Getting to work early
I am not a morning person. Well, to be exact, I am not a “jump out of bed and hit the day running” kind of person. I need time to ease into the day. A cup of coffee, lying in bed for a bit, browsing social media for news, tidbits and a check in on the world I’m about to head out into. I figure being asleep is the equivalent of dispersing my entity into the Unconscious for awhile. In the morning, I need some time to piece myself back together. To assemble my parts into a recognizable whole again and set my intent for the day. I used to carpool with a morning person and it was always the gentle tug-of-war. How about 6:30am? How about 6:45am? How about 6:35am and a stop for coffee along the way? When my carpool ended, I just decided to give up on the “early to work” industrious person that I kept expecting myself to be. Now, I sleep longer, wake with the sun and get to work by 9am. No one cares as long as my work gets done. I stay longer in the afternoon ’cause I don’t need to be home for kids or a family dinner. The rest of the office is gone by 4pm. And then it’s quiet and I have as much time as I need for all the productivity that my day requires.

2. Fitting in
Dr. Seuss said, “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” I know we all need that sense of tribe and a connectedness to other people. But, for years I always felt like I just didn’t quite fit in. I didn’t dress right, eat right, listen to the right music, watch the right TV shows, want to buy the right things. Once I gave up on trying to figure all that out, it’s amazing how much less stressful things got. I still probably don’t do all those things right, I just don’t really care any more.

3. Dressing in corporate clothing
I have kind of a corporate career. But I’ve never been comfortable in corporate women’s clothing. The pantsuits and pinstripe tops. Pencil skirts that end just below the knee. The blouses with that weird kind-of-bow, kind-of-tie thing that drags in your food. I look at women CEOs and I think, “I could probably pull off that job but I’d never be able pull off the wardrobe!”. In an effort to figure out what I was doing wrong, I hired an image consultant who immediately started extolling my curves and encouraged me to dress for the “abundant” shape I have. Once I got over the trauma of that experience and followed her guidelines, I actually found that dressing for work isn’t as much of an ordeal as it used to be. Turns out curvy bodies turn stripes into, well, curves! I’m a lot more comfortable with my clothes now. And, hopefully there is room at the top for an abundantly curvy CEO with fun shoes.

4. Eating dinner foods at dinner
I grew up in a household where dinner was a meat portion, a vegetable portion and a potato portion. Occasionally, there was lasagna or spaghetti but there were always dinner foods at dinner. As a single person, I cook dinner for one. Well, okay, when I don’t eat out, I cook dinner for one. And a meat portion, a vegetable portion and a potato portion is a lot of effort for one person. And before I get inundated with “30 minute recipes for the single person” I’ll just tell you right now that I hate cooking. And everything to do with planning to cook. But, I do love breakfast foods. So I’ve given up on dinner food at dinner. I have eggs and bacon or a bagel with pb+j. When I do have veggies I don’t cook them cause I prefer them raw and it’s less work. Who defined breakfast food as breakfast and dinner food as dinner anyway! I’m recategorizing.

5. Washing my hair every day
I have curly hair. Those of you who also have curly hair will understand that curly hair has a personality of its very own. An unpredictable personality that changes with the weather. Literally. It has good days and bad days. It has fun days full of bounce and grumpy days where it pouts into a limp mess. But mostly, it needs a little oil to grease the wheels. I’m sure it was the clever shampoo advertisers who convinced us that we had to wash our hair every day (lather, rinse, repeat). Not true for my curly hair. My hair looks best on about day 3. Before you get too grossed out, be assured that I wash my body almost every day. Just not my hair. I’ve given in to the ringlet-leader.

6. Understanding nutrition
I think I kind of understood the food pyramid when I was a kid. Since then, it’s been all downhill. Good fats, bad fats, leafy veggies, starchy veggies, whole grains, low fat, high protein, no gluten, protein shakes with flax oil, Atkins, South Beach, paleo, blood type, wheat belly … I officially throw in the tea towel. Trying to follow these conversations, let alone figure out what is all means is stressing me out. And as someone with food issues, the very last thing I need is for my food to take up any more space or energy in my day. So, here’s my nutrition plan. Eat when I’m hungry. Don’t eat when I’m not hungry. Make sure what I’m feeling is hunger and not some emotion like fear, loneliness, joy or boredom. Eat food that is closest to it’s natural state and that doesn’t have too many ingredients I don’t understand. Buy local and organic, if I can. Try to drink lots of water. And, when I screw up any of the above (which I do), don’t freak out and find inventive ways to punish myself. Be gentle and just keep trying. That’s it.

7. Olives
I have tried to like olives. I really have. A few years ago, I went on a vacation to Greece and I was determined to learn to like olives so I could enjoy them in their native land. I followed that saying, “you have to eat seven olives before you like them”. Nope. I tried different kinds. Nope. Stuffed with feta. Nope. In a martini. Nope. In seven martinis! Nope. I do not like olives. I do not like them in my bread, I do not like them as a spread. I do not like them on a slice, I do not like them in my life.

So, if you’re looking for someone who gets up early, washes her hair and has a nutritious breakfast that includes olives, I am clearly not your girl. But, if you’re looking for an imperfect curly haired quitter who has pancakes for dinner, I’m here. Giving up one day at a time.

A letter to my 12-year old self

Posted on February 5, 2013 by WendyA

Dear 12-year old me –

It is going to be okay. You are on the right path and you are doing great. You are beautiful; not because of your physical looks but because you have a light that shines in you and pours forth in your smile and your energy. That is attractive. You have a fire that ignites your mind and burns brightly in your heart. And, when your fire gets dampened by hurt and rejection, which it will, remember you are surrounded by people who will reignite that fire. Cry, talk to them, be open and honest and vulnerable. They will help and it’s okay to need and accept help. We all do.

Keep doing the things in your life that you love – sing, run, dance, feed your intellect – and be yourself. Don’t worry about trying to be what society tells you to be. When you are yourself, you are happy. And you will know that the people around you truly see you, not a fake you, and they like you. Don’t waste your time and energy on people who don’t like you. It’s better to let them go or to walk away from them.

Take risks, especially when you love because it’s worth it. Even when you get hurt. And, you will. But, when that happens, when you’re sad or angry or scared or feeling rejected or insecure, try to accept these feelings. Don’t try to make them go away by eating or pretending you don’t care. That won’t work and the feelings will end up festering inside you and affecting your ability to connect with others and to heal. Give the feelings some space, acknowledge them, and then focus your energy on the positive things in your life and they will pass, leaving you with valuable lessons in their wake. To help process these emotions, prioritize your self-care. Self-care means spending time doing the things that are most important to you.

Feelings do not define you or your life. You can have a sad day without it meaning your life is sad. You can fail at something without it meaning you are a failure. Failing and making mistakes is a key part of the learning process. No one hits the bullseye the first time they shoot an arrow. You get closer with each “failed” shot.

You can be rejected without it meaning you are unworthy of being loved. It just means the fit wasn’t right. Learn from that and try again.

You can be imperfect without it meaning you are a less-than disappointment. When you feel imperfect, accept that we are all imperfect; it’s part of being human.

There is no such thing as controlled perfectionism, where if you do everything right than everything will be okay. Life will happen. You only have control over how you react to events, not the events themselves. And, when you let go of the control you create the space for wonderful unexpected things to happen. Better than you could ever pick for yourself.

Don’t worry about being anxious. Pay attention to your body but don’t let feeling anxious stop you from living your life the way you want and doing the things you really want to do.

So, keep being you. Allow yourself to be seen and don’t hide. Keep being fierce about following your joy.

Keep up the good work. You are doing great!

with love always,
43-year old you/me

PS – you will get to see lava someday!!

Does this mammogram make me look fat?

Posted on December 15, 2012 by WendyA

This week, one two separate occasions, I was trapped where I only had access to “women’s magazines” as reading material.

I’m thinking these things should come with a warning. Caution – reading these magazines will give you a warped sense of what is important in this world. Do not touch!!

One of those places was the nail salon. So, okay, part of the nail salon experience is reading trashy mags, I suppose. There was an article on how some magazines are adding weight to models using photoshop because they look too thin and unhealthy. When the author? journalist? reported how shocking and wrong this was because we should all be allowed to look like however we are, I decided to PUT THE THING DOWN. I mean, that is warped!!

And so, I sat there having my nails done staring into space. I think that might have been better for me than continuing to read. Especially since I was already feeling bad that I fell off the nail-biting wagon in October and have had to resort to gel nails to try and put a halt to the habit again.

But, the second of those places was during my mammogram! In the waiting room, you have to turn off your cell phone so that you don’t interfere with someones x-rays while you’re updating your Facebook status. Or, whatever. There was a sign saying turn off your phone. I’m Canadian, I followed directions.

There was a range of magazines. Not as trashy as the nail salon but every one of them was about women’s style or health. If health means an endless discussion on what to eat to lose weight, increase your brain power, be a better parent and earn more. And this was the mammogram clinic at my local women’s health centre!!!

Before I started to care too much about whether I was still wearing last year’s fashions or drinking enough coconut milk, I dug to the bottom of the pile and found a Mclean’s magazine from October. I had already read it but at least it was news about what is actually going on in the world. Thank goodness for Mclean’s!!

And then it happened. Yesterday my weekly Mclean’s arrived in the mail. Complete with a 25 page special supplement on the pregnancy of Kate. TWENTY-FIVE PAGES!!!! Including a whole page of pictures from the last 18 months of Kate’s stomach with her hand on it challenging the reader to identify the “baby bump”.

I may have to cancel my Mclean’s subscription. Sigh.

I’ll take unapologetically self-confident for $1000, Alex!

Posted on November 23, 2012 by WendyA

This week I was reading about the results of a recent study on the gender difference in the amount of “uptake” at the end of answers given on Jeopardy!

“Uptake” is when the tone of your voice goes up at the end of a sentence and is associated with uncertainty and lack of confidence. The study found that women use uptake more often than men, especially when they are in the lead. The inference is that women are “apologizing” more when they are smarter than their opponents.

As I finish up my less-than-picture-perfect photography class and head off to my intermediate glass bead-making class this weekend, I realize how much this resonates with me.

I was made fun of as a kid for being smart. Well, to be more accurate, I was made fun of for doing well at school. I was good at school. My dad was a teacher and then a vice-principal and I learned to follow the rules. At home, following the rules meant that things stayed peaceful and calm. Or, at least the lid stayed on the tension and stress and did not blow off into a mess of scary chaos and yelling.

But at school I was made fun of for getting high marks. And, I was teased when I got things wrong, too. Or, when I didn’t get the top mark in the class. So the message I got was make sure I was extra nice and humble when I did well and don’t take too much credit for my achievements. And, for heaven’s sake, don’t get anything wrong. Because there is no forgiveness for that.

Kind of confusing for a kid.

But the thing is, neither one of these messages is serving me terribly well as an adult. On the one hand, I struggle to accept compliments on my photography or glass art and I find it hard to feel that it’s okay to be proud of my work and my art. On the flip side, I am held back by my fear of making mistakes and by the fear that my work is “not good enough”.

I think it might be time to replace those childhood messages with my own confident and unapologetic voice. To remember that most adults aren’t going to act like those few kids who teased me. And, that if I do run into an adult bully, I am so much better equipped emotionally to deal with that situation than my child self was.

To remember that mistakes are part of the learning process and that they are often beautiful in themselves. Unlike a grade 7 math test, perhaps there are no mistakes in art.

By the way, the study also found that men were no more immune to these gender roles than women. The research found than men used uptalk more often when correcting a female contestant than at male contestant, perhaps seeking to protect the women from their failure.

So, apparently chivalry isn’t dead yet. At least on Jeopardy! anyway.

I’m supposed to be WHAT?!

Posted on November 10, 2012 by WendyA

The other day my awesome sister sent me a link to a blog post by a woman who was celebrating her eighth year blogging anniversary. She had a list of “things she thought was supposed to be” eight years ago.

I thought that was pretty interesting so I quickly jotted down my list of “things I’m supposed to be”. I did it really quickly because for an over-thinker like me, doing these kind of exercises quickly doesn’t give the self-editing filters that “protect me from the truth” time to snap into place.

Here is my list –

I am supposed to be married
I am supposed to be thin
I am supposed to wear high heels and dress stylishly
I am supposed to be desirable to men
I am supposed to be moving up the corporate ladder and managing a team of people
I am supposed to have enough money to pay off my mortgage, have nice things and travel several times a year
I am supposed to be happy and attractive all the time
I am supposed to be independent and not need anyone

Holy crap!! Literally!!

Where did all that come from?!

Add to the list that I must do all these things perfectly and it’s no wonder that some days I don’t feel like I’m enough. That I struggle with feeling like a failure. That I want to hide before someone calls me out as a fraud at life.

Some of these messages clearly come from our culture – movies, TV, advertising. Who knows where I picked up the others – childhood, irrational emotional self-defense, other people.

And, while I imagine I probably have things in common with other people’s lists, there are also things that don’t appear on the list that could easily do so – supposed to have children (not in the cards and that’s okay), supposed to own a house (no, thanks, too much work), supposed to be a good cook (ugh, the kitchen). And, none of those things bother me or make me feel like a failure.

So maybe today is a good day to call bullshit on my list. To take the weight of it off my heart and my spirit. To accept that I am what I am supposed to be as I am right now and that it’s perfectly okay to strive imperfectly to be the kind of person I want to be in the world.

The kind of person I want to be; not the kind of person I think the world or my inner gremlins are telling me I should be.

I’d be interested to hear other people’s lists, if anyone wants to share. And, I think I’ll check back in next year at this time and see if my list has changed. I’m hoping it’s at least smaller.

In my case, since 1969

Image

On pace for a great finish

Posted on August 27, 2012 by WendyA

Today I read this awesome blog post – a message to a fat girl running.

I’ll wait while you go and read it.

…

Awesome, huh!

Thing is, I was that fat girl. Well, not THAT one, but you know what I mean. When I started running I only ran at night in the dark. I kept to the back streets and back alleys so no one would see me. Not a safe thing to do but it felt safer than the imagined (or otherwise) judgements of the other runners at the track. Or the people on the sidewalk walking their dogs. Or the people driving by in their cars.

Once, in a running clinic, the volunteer clinic leader yelled at me in front of everyone because he thought I was too far ahead of the group. I was too embarrassed and mortified to tell him that I was not AHEAD of the group but that some people in the group were about to lap me because I was so far BEHIND!

I never went back to that clinic again.

But I did not stop running and I did find other clinics.

I am not a fast runner. I do not look like a Nike ad. Or an inspirational Pinterest image. My face gets red and I sweat. I bitch about the hills. I mostly focus on putting one foot in front of the other. When it gets too hard I walk for a bit until I feel ready to run again. I love/hate running with friends because I always worry I am holding them back even though they have helped me make it up some pretty big hills!

But I do love running. I love moving my body. I love how it releases my stress and anger and worry. I love that as my body exercises, so does my mind. Roaming through thoughts and ideas and processing my feelings and problems until I feel centred again. I have sorted out many thorny issues while running. All to a great soundtrack of my favourite songs.

I used to worry about how slow I was. How “not good” at running I was. I don’t any more thanks to a woman from one of my running clinics. I don’t know her name but I am ever grateful to her. One day at the beginning of the run, as I was worrying about if I could keep up with the front of the group (hell, even the middle of the group!) I heard the woman behind me say, “I like running behind you. You keep such a nice steady pace. ” I think I could have hugged her. Me? With my own steady pace?

So, that’s how I am trying to take life. I do not need to compare myself or my race to anyone else’s. While I don’t need to care what anyone thinks, I will surround myself with people who support me and don’t expect me to be anywhere else than exactly where I am. And, I just keep going at my own steady pace, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Reflections in glass

Posted on August 2, 2012 by WendyA

Today’s photo is of my first attempt at making glass beads. I posted in May about my first class in glass sculpting and about my nervousness and anxiety in trying new things. And, how much I am loving working with glass.

Now, into my second course and contemplating joining the glass studio – me, an artist?! – I can feel myself relaxing into the flow. In the first class, I focused a lot on following directions exactly from the instructor and trying to make each piece perfect. Now, as I get a better feeling for the glass and the colours, I am letting each piece take shape as it wills. More of a partnership between me, the glass and wherever inspiration comes from.

And, I am not worried about the “mistakes”. In fact, one important bead is missing from this photo. I was trying something with a bead and it didn’t work. I shrugged it off and said, “well, that was a failure”, dumped the bead and got ready to start again, feeling kinda proud of myself for not getting upset about the “failure”. My teacher’s take? “It’s not a failure, you learned a lot making that bead.”

I certainly did.

A Fish and a Bicycle

Adventures of a Single Life

Category Archives: perfectionism