Category Archives: spiritual

Equilibrium

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I have been described as many things but patient is not one of them.

I am a big ideas person. I have a vision of how things can be and I work hard to realize those visions. And a lot of times that is a really great quality.

But when things go sideways or off track, it throws me. Everyone is turning left and off in the new direction and I am left standing there, saying “but … we were going this way …”

I read this great post this week called Why lying broken in a pile on your bedroom floor is a good idea. It talked about how when you are going through a transition like a breakup or a losing your job there is a period of mourning the death of the future, of the way you saw things unfolding.

I can so relate to that. I envy people who can easily change direction accepting that “oh well, things have changed!”

For me it takes some time. Time to get my feet back under me. To regroup and adjust to the new state. To pull back from the future that I thought was coming and back into the reality of what is. Time to stand still for awhile and then figure out the new direction.

This week has been like that. Work projects are in transition and I’m having to adjust and be patient. So far, my plans on four of the five nights this past week have changed unexpectedly. The photography class I’m taking is not what I thought it would be and I’m trying to set aside my disappointment and go with the flow of the class.

Thing is, last week I celebrated the autumn equinox. That time of equal balance between light and dark, night and day, life and death. As part of the celebration, I wrote this about the spirit of the equinox –

I am the perfect balance of the present. What is past has already been and what is the future is yet to be determined. What has gone before cannot be changed and what lies ahead is yet to be known. My gift is the peace of the present.

My lesson is to live in this moment. For the present has been shaped by the past and it is the present that will shape the future.

Live in the blessings of the still point of balance between light and dark, night and day, creation and destruction. For ever do these revolve in endless cycle.

Dark triumphs over light bringing death and rest. Light banishes the dark bringing rebirth and growth. But always they dance around the single point of equilibrium.

So live in the moment. Dance and sing and love and learn and be fully alive in the here and now. Live today as you would live your whole life.

For this moment is all that we have.

This weekend I am headed to Seattle and going to visit the Chihuly Exhibition and Gardens. I am going to try and set aside what I think the weekend will be. I am going to take lots of pictures of the glass art and not worry about the photography.

I am going to try and allow myself the time to adjust to some of the painful changes in direction that life has thrown at me. To allow myself to stand still and breathe and not expect that I have to be off and running again.

Because while it’s great to see the path ahead of me, I don’t want miss what’s right in front of me. To miss the chance to stop and be open to the other possibilities.

So for right now, I am going to try and be patient and still and let the future unfold in all its mystery.

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Liminal Space

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According to Wikipedia, liminality is the ambiguity or disorientation that occurs when you are in the middle of transforming. In ritual, participants “stand at the threshold between their previous way of structuring their identity, time, or community, and a new way, which the ritual establishes.”

The last few days I have felt that disorientation. Everything is outwardly fine and yet I can feel the sadness and slow colour bleed that marks my depression. I know we all feel depression is similar/different ways. For me, it’s like the world loses all its colour, leaving a grey landscape devoid of hope.

Usually I have tools, like paintbrushes, that I can pick up to recolour my life. Tools like meeting with friends, journalling, texting my sister, going for a walk or just a good night’s sleep.

But the last few days I haven’t quite been able to get the paint on the canvas.

This afternoon I decided to head to a labyrinth ritual down on the beach.  The theme was the autumnal equinox; that liminal space between summer and winter.

It is a lovely day here in Vancouver. Blue sky and sunshine with a light breeze. The labyrinth was constructed way out on the tidal flats. A temporary space, a gift of the earth soon to be washed clean again by the sea.

We each received a walnut and a copy of Rumi’s poem – A Dumb Experiment.

Break open your personal self
to taste the story of the nutmeat soul.
These voices come from that rattling
against the outer shell.
The nut and the oil inside
have voices that can only be heard
with another kind of listening.
If it weren’t for the sweetness of the nut,
the inner talking, who would ever shake a walnut?
We listen to words
so we can silently
reach into the other.
Let the ear and the mouth get quiet,
so this taste can come to the lip.
Too long we have been saying poetry,
talking discourses, explaining the mystery out loud.
Let’s try a dumb experiment.

As I walked the labyrinth and silently listened to what was rattling my shell, I realized that this pent up pressure, this heaviness that prevents my spirit from flying, this weight that keeps me from picking up the paintbrushes, is fear. That’s all. Just fear.

Fear that I will fall into the grey abyss of depression and that I will be unrecoverable. That depression will drag me down and drown me in sadness. I fear I will be lost.

But there by the ocean, in the twists and turns of the labyrinth, I let go of being afraid of the fear. Yes, there may be sadness and anxiety and heartache in my life. But it won’t drag me down. If I can’t always soar above it, that’s okay; I can surf along it, be carried within it and be silent within it. I can learn its mystery and just be in this liminal space. I will surface again.

It’s okay to have a periods of ambiguity and disorientation when I am on the threshold between what is past and what is to come. Between who I was and what I am yet to be. In walking the labyrinth, surrounded by earth, air, fire and water, my spirit was re-balanced into peace.

My deepest gratitude to Les at Walking the Labyrinth for the gift of the equinox labyrinth today in this liminal space.

Spirit House

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I just bought a new piece of artwork by my good friend Louise Bunn.  This is the second piece I am lucky enough to have in my home. It’s a spirit house and I’ve put it on the rooftop patio. It’s reminder that places have a spirit.

I have always believed that places have a spirit; an energy that develops from all the living things and events that take place there. It’s important to me that my home has an energy that is safe, strong, loving, peaceful and honest. I have a Jill Bolte Taylor quote by my front door that says, “Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.”

I feel blessed that my home has good energy. That love and laughter linger in the air. That the strong walls have been a container for honest and sometime difficult conversations that have led to growth and understanding. That I am lucky enough to host gatherings of amazing people who feed each other with good food and good conversation. It has witnessed one wedding, many healing rituals, lots of parties and a few baby showers. I have skyped and facetimed people from far off places into the space to join in the conversations and connections and I have spent many quiet hours reading or writing or creating bathed in the energy.

Lately, I have been thinking of moving. And, while I know my spirit house is also inside me, I’m not sure I am ready to walk away from this space.

In the meantime, my spirit house on the rooftop will remind me to cherish and nourish my space (and me), to protect the boundaries while leaving the door open for the amazing magic to come in.