Blog Archives

I’ve outed myself

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7

My last post was the first one that I’ve linked to on my Facebook status. And, I find that I’ve had an interesting reaction to this.

LIke I’ve outed myself on the interweb. Outed myself as … well … me.

I thought I might have that “ohmygoshwhathaveidone” reaction. What Brene Brown so wonderfully calls a vulnerability hangover. But that wasn’t it.

I just felt really free. Like I had opened a door and stepped out into a wider world of myself. And left behind a sometimes comforting but stifling restriction.

Thing is, nobody else really seemed to notice. I had lots more readers and two lovely comments from friends but that was it.

The incredible momentumness of the step seemed to pass pretty unnoticed.

Maybe that’s because to my friends, regular and Facebook, it was no big deal. They just know me and accept me. I was all “look at me, I’m free!” and they are all “yeah, dude, we know”.

And, for someone who has a wee tendency to overthink things until EVERYTHING BECOMES A BIG FRIGGIN DEAL, I kind of like that.

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Differently happy

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10

Historically, I have not been very good at going places on my own. I get nervous. And anxious.

I can always tell if I am nervous about something because I immediately start worrying excessively about what I will wear and how I look.

I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. My friends tell me that they can’t imagine me having problems meeting people and socializing. Probably cause they see me when I’m with them!

But somehow I always have this terrible picture in my head of me standing alone, not wanted in the crowd. Doing that trick of pretending I am reading a very important e-mail on my iPhone (cause that’s how important I am!)

Maybe that’s a remnant from childhood/teenager years where I always felt different. And different was bad. Wow, did I learn that. Too smart was bad. Too fat was bad. Too ambitious was bad. Caring too much was bad.

Last night I wanted to go to the open house at the glass studio where I am taking classes (and have applied to join). I could have taken a friend for a safety blanket but I really wanted to do it on my own.

To show up as me, with all my wonderful differences – you know, the things that make me ME – and meet a few people and watch the guest glass artist.

And, that’s what I did. With surprisingly little anxiety. Feeling great about my outfit and my hair – yup, even my hair was good. Feeling happy with who I am. Feeling proud of my differences.

Kind of a cool milestone in this emotional journey. And, the only thing I did with my iPhone was take pictures.

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