Category Archives: self

Walking through fire … literally!

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They say that life happens at the edge of your comfort zone. If that’s true, I certainly experienced life this weekend.

In my desire to bring the joy of singing back into my life, I’ve teamed up with an old band-mate to rejuvenate our band. This weekend was our first public gig at a Festival outside Edmonton.

I’ll get to that in a second. Because one of the other things that happened at this Festival was a fire walk. Yup, that’s right. The chance to walk on hot coals. Given my emerging theme of fire so far this year how could I possibly not do this?

On the other hand, it’s burning coals. How could I possibly do that!!

Which brought me to that pivotal moment that so marks life and growth and learning and healing. That timeless moment when you really want to do something but are really afraid. That balance point between “I really want to do this” and “I really don’t think I can do this”.

For me, it is a stripped down moment of clarity when I come face to face with the essence of me. The anxiety that holds me back in perfect counterbalance with the force that drives me forward. The angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.

But instead of trying to get rid of the anxiety, I am learning to let it be. To stop and connect to that still, quiet inner space in my heart and ask it, “Who do you want to be in the world? How do you want to be in this world?” And, then accept the answer. Maybe I am someone who walks over hot coals. Maybe I’m someone not ready for that. Either way is okay. But, what I’m not okay with is letting fear make the decision for me.  Of having regrets rather than good memories. As Shirley Valentine would say, of having a little life with all those unused parts.

Turns out, at least this weekend I was someone who could walk over hot coals. And, someone who could walk over broken glass which is what we did first to practice for the fire.  And, I was someone who could get up on stage and sing. An act which requires me to lower the walls of defense and risk. Risk being seen and heard. Perhaps only when those walls come down can the joy come through.  And, maybe, sometimes that takes a little fire.

A lot of life happened this weekend. In all it’s uncomfortable glory.

Walking on glass …

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The Sacred Fire …

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Prepping the coals …

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The fire walk …

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The waters of Lake Louise to balance the fire …

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The Solstice Six

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Sas Petherick, a woman whose work has been circling round the edges of my explorations over the past few months, posted six questions for the Solstice. Thought I’d give them a shot.

Here in Vancouver, the Summer Solstice is a strange thing.  Because, even though the days are officially getting shorter from now on, summer hasn’t really started yet. It’s warmer but still lots of rain and you definitely need a sweater in the mornings. We don’t really get summer here until early July. Which kind of always leaves me feeling like everyone else has long started the summer race and I’m still at the start line, tying my shoes.

But it is true that we are halfway through the calendar year. Seems like a good time to stop and reflect on where I am. Which is what Sas prompted with her Six Solstice questions –

1. Did you have a word for this year? How has it manifested itself? If you didn’t have a word, what is the theme that has played out in your life so far this year?

My word for this year is joy. The joy of waking up excited, of singing and running, joy that fills the top and bottom of my heart. Of feeling like I could fly.  At this point, I have to be honest, this had not manifested. If fact, I feel farther from feelings of pure joy than I can ever remember. Mostly, this year has just felt like hard work.

What does seem to be manifesting is fire. The fire of lava and volcanoes in Hawaii. Finally getting to the Beltaine Fire Festival in Edinburgh. Being at a shamanic conference and breathing fire. Well, spitting 80 proof alcohol into the fire and having it breathe back (there was no way I was drinking that stuff).  Campfires outdoors, teaching little ones about putting cedar on the fire for the “sizzle”.  The fire of determination that it takes to get out of bed and keep fighting.

Maybe the fire will ignite the joy. Maybe the joy is hidden in the fire. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll know more in another six months.

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2. What are you most proud of?

I am most proud that I get up each day and keep trying. That I allow myself to be seen and to be authentic even when it’s scary and I’d rather hide behind my walls. That I have the most amazing friends. And that at night when I go to bed, there is peace in my heart.

3. What have you chosen to let go of? 

Scheduling and reliability. I have always been someone who had an intricately planned schedule. I liked it that way so I could fit in all the things I wanted to do. It was very controlled and organized.

But, two things started to happen. First, when others didn’t schedule like me, I often took it personally that they didn’t want to set a date to get together even if it was two weeks away. And, second, I would get really annoyed when people changed plans (i.e. bailed on me).  Somehow it felt like a rejection because I had chosen to make that person a priority in my schedule but they didn’t reciprocate.

I didn’t realize that lots of people don’t actually schedule like I was! And, I don’t know whether its just that I’m getting older but I can’t keep up that kind of schedule anymore. I need more down time. I need unscheduled time. I need time for myself. If I’m doing creative things – like writing or glass beading – I need time to do that when the creative muse is flowing. It can’t be forced into a schedule.  I need free time to have unexpected tea with friends, to go for a walk, talk/text with loved ones. To go to bed early.

And, I am learning to be okay with what feels to me like unreliability. With “bailing” on other people and on events. Even at the last minute. Because in battling depression, I need to listen and respect my body and my spirit. There are times when it is not the best thing for me to fake my participation at an event. Especially if it means using alcohol or food as a crutch.

So, I’ve cracked open my schedule and accepted that people might see me as unreliable. It’s opened up a lot more room. For unexpected blessings and just for myself.

4. What has been your greatest joy or surprise?

My greatest joy was seeing live flowing lava. My biggest surprise is how much I now enjoy the time I spend by myself.  Knowing that I like my own company has taken away so much of my anxiety. I really notice it when I travel. I can let go of control and just accept each day. I feel like my own best friend.  It’s kind of cool.

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5. What book, movie, exhibition, tv programme, play, concert, article, photograph, or website has been your favourite find? 

The book Quiet by Susan Cain has been my favourite find. Susan’s book is about introverts and how our society rewards extroverts even though we really need introverts, too!  I have always been an extrovert. And, I wouldn’t call myself an introvert even now. But, a whole new introverted part of me has definitely emerged. I think I’m half and half now. Quiet helped me process the difference between my aloneness and my loneliness.  Turns out, the emergence of my introverted half has brought with it a lot of creativity and calmness.  Susan has a great TED Talk, too!

6. What three things do you want for yourself by the next Solstice – 21st December 2013?

I want to have healthy eating habits. I want to expand my photographic creativity into post-photo techniques (i.e. digital manipulation). I want to be able to set aside more money for my travel budget.

Well, that’s my halfway mark. Now, if the sun actually starts to shine here in Vancouver, I can enjoy the warm, if not so long, days of summer.

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7 things I’m giving up on

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As a perfectionist, giving up on anything is near impossible for me. That’s like … quitting!!!

Give me dead horse and I’ll beat that thing til it gets up and walks. Which is kind of a horrific expression for which I don’t even want to know the origin. So, maybe it’s more like beating my head against a wall. Yeah, much better.

In the spirit of THAT much nicer image, I figure it’s gotta feel a whole heck of a lot better once I stop.

A friend recently sent me this great article in the Huffington Post called 7 Things I Refuse to Stress About. I think that part of refusing to stress about something is giving up on the expectation of that thing. Or, giving up the expectation of me being something I’m just not!

So, in an attempt to save whatever is left of my forehead and my sanity, here is my list of the 7 things I am okay with giving up on –

1. Getting to work early
I am not a morning person. Well, to be exact, I am not a “jump out of bed and hit the day running” kind of person. I need time to ease into the day. A cup of coffee, lying in bed for a bit, browsing social media for news, tidbits and a check in on the world I’m about to head out into. I figure being asleep is the equivalent of dispersing my entity into the Unconscious for awhile. In the morning, I need some time to piece myself back together. To assemble my parts into a recognizable whole again and set my intent for the day. I used to carpool with a morning person and it was always the gentle tug-of-war. How about 6:30am? How about 6:45am? How about 6:35am and a stop for coffee along the way? When my carpool ended, I just decided to give up on the “early to work” industrious person that I kept expecting myself to be. Now, I sleep longer, wake with the sun and get to work by 9am. No one cares as long as my work gets done. I stay longer in the afternoon ’cause I don’t need to be home for kids or a family dinner. The rest of the office is gone by 4pm. And then it’s quiet and I have as much time as I need for all the productivity that my day requires.

2. Fitting in
Dr. Seuss said, “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” I know we all need that sense of tribe and a connectedness to other people. But, for years I always felt like I just didn’t quite fit in. I didn’t dress right, eat right, listen to the right music, watch the right TV shows, want to buy the right things. Once I gave up on trying to figure all that out, it’s amazing how much less stressful things got. I still probably don’t do all those things right, I just don’t really care any more.

3. Dressing in corporate clothing
I have kind of a corporate career. But I’ve never been comfortable in corporate women’s clothing. The pantsuits and pinstripe tops. Pencil skirts that end just below the knee. The blouses with that weird kind-of-bow, kind-of-tie thing that drags in your food. I look at women CEOs and I think, “I could probably pull off that job but I’d never be able pull off the wardrobe!”. In an effort to figure out what I was doing wrong, I hired an image consultant who immediately started extolling my curves and encouraged me to dress for the “abundant” shape I have. Once I got over the trauma of that experience and followed her guidelines, I actually found that dressing for work isn’t as much of an ordeal as it used to be. Turns out curvy bodies turn stripes into, well, curves! I’m a lot more comfortable with my clothes now. And, hopefully there is room at the top for an abundantly curvy CEO with fun shoes.

4. Eating dinner foods at dinner
I grew up in a household where dinner was a meat portion, a vegetable portion and a potato portion. Occasionally, there was lasagna or spaghetti but there were always dinner foods at dinner. As a single person, I cook dinner for one. Well, okay, when I don’t eat out, I cook dinner for one. And a meat portion, a vegetable portion and a potato portion is a lot of effort for one person. And before I get inundated with “30 minute recipes for the single person” I’ll just tell you right now that I hate cooking. And everything to do with planning to cook. But, I do love breakfast foods. So I’ve given up on dinner food at dinner. I have eggs and bacon or a bagel with pb+j. When I do have veggies I don’t cook them cause I prefer them raw and it’s less work. Who defined breakfast food as breakfast and dinner food as dinner anyway! I’m recategorizing.

5. Washing my hair every day
I have curly hair. Those of you who also have curly hair will understand that curly hair has a personality of its very own. An unpredictable personality that changes with the weather. Literally. It has good days and bad days. It has fun days full of bounce and grumpy days where it pouts into a limp mess. But mostly, it needs a little oil to grease the wheels. I’m sure it was the clever shampoo advertisers who convinced us that we had to wash our hair every day (lather, rinse, repeat). Not true for my curly hair. My hair looks best on about day 3. Before you get too grossed out, be assured that I wash my body almost every day. Just not my hair. I’ve given in to the ringlet-leader.

6. Understanding nutrition
I think I kind of understood the food pyramid when I was a kid. Since then, it’s been all downhill. Good fats, bad fats, leafy veggies, starchy veggies, whole grains, low fat, high protein, no gluten, protein shakes with flax oil, Atkins, South Beach, paleo, blood type, wheat belly … I officially throw in the tea towel. Trying to follow these conversations, let alone figure out what is all means is stressing me out. And as someone with food issues, the very last thing I need is for my food to take up any more space or energy in my day. So, here’s my nutrition plan. Eat when I’m hungry. Don’t eat when I’m not hungry. Make sure what I’m feeling is hunger and not some emotion like fear, loneliness, joy or boredom. Eat food that is closest to it’s natural state and that doesn’t have too many ingredients I don’t understand. Buy local and organic, if I can. Try to drink lots of water. And, when I screw up any of the above (which I do), don’t freak out and find inventive ways to punish myself. Be gentle and just keep trying. That’s it.

7. Olives
I have tried to like olives. I really have. A few years ago, I went on a vacation to Greece and I was determined to learn to like olives so I could enjoy them in their native land. I followed that saying, “you have to eat seven olives before you like them”. Nope. I tried different kinds. Nope. Stuffed with feta. Nope. In a martini. Nope. In seven martinis! Nope. I do not like olives. I do not like them in my bread, I do not like them as a spread. I do not like them on a slice, I do not like them in my life.

So, if you’re looking for someone who gets up early, washes her hair and has a nutritious breakfast that includes olives, I am clearly not your girl. But, if you’re looking for an imperfect curly haired quitter who has pancakes for dinner, I’m here. Giving up one day at a time.

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Viewing the change

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Change seems to be in the air these days. It is the time of New Year’s Resolutions, of planning for the year ahead. Of new school terms, new courses (I’m doing three!). In Canada, we have the Idle No More movement demanding a change in relationship between the government and First Nations people and the protection of our land, water and air.

As I think about change in my own life, I am struck by how profound the inner changes have been and how the outer changes are but mere echos, or ripples, of that inner shift.

In a recent blog, Susannah Conway noted that it didn’t seem right that her outsides looked the same while her insides had been totally rearranged. Even though she was talking about scars, I wanted to say, “me, too!!”

A few years ago, I lost close to 100 lbs. Of course, people remarked on it and told me how great I looked. Which was nice, but hard to not let it mess with my head. Because for a perfectionist and people-pleaser like me, I had to be careful to not define my success by the scale and not to let the compliments of others become my self-validation.

The fact was, it was the internal changes, the hard work of facing my fears, that lead to me putting down the food that lead to the weight loss. But, at least there was external change that reflected the internal change. And, while a lot of people said “you look great” a lot of people said “you look happy”. Happy was the sound; thinner was just the echo. A really great echo, but still …

Over the past few years, the weight has stayed pretty much the same. And while I get frustrated because I’d like to weigh less and be healthier, the internal changes have been as profound, or maybe more, than they were during the weight loss. And, I’ve worked my way across some pretty rocky landscape while my weight has stayed the same; a change in a pattern of creeping weight gain that had been part of my life for twenty years.

So, I pretty much look the same as I did 18 months ago, even though my insides feel cracked open, rearranged and reassembled. Even though my approach to who and how I am in the world has changed.

Even though now I pray and meditate in the morning (well, almost every morning) and journal every night (well, almost every night).

Even though I am open to being wrong and I apologize when I screw up and make mistakes.

I try to be honest, even when it’s hard. To find compassion, even when it hurts. To face conflict, even when I want to avoid it in the hopes that it’ll go away on its own.

To set healthy boundaries so that I can embrace vulnerability.

To be fiercely me, to give myself the space for creativity and to allow myself be visible in the world.

To imperfectly struggle against fear in an effort to allow as much love as possible into my life and my world.

I mean, really, with all that, you’d think I would look totally different!!!

But yesterday a friend looked at me and said “there is something about you today, you look really happy”.  It’s been a long time since someone said that to me.

So, maybe my changes are rippling their way to the surface after all.

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What’s the word?

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I’m not sure who started the trend of picking a word for each year (Brené Brown? Susannah Conway?) but I’ve been doing it for the past three years although I’ve never shared my word with anyone. Before now.

At first I was kind of worried about picking a word because I thought it was just going to be another new year’s resolution that would gradually fade by the wayside leaving me feeling inadequate (again) at the end of the year.

But that’s not what has happened. The word never played out throughout the year like I thought it would. It took on nuances, different meanings and showed up in the most unlikely places. Which I guess might kind of be the point.

Last year my word was Light.

It was the light in the darkness of depression and loneliness.

It was the light that flickered but somehow didn’t go out, even when my heart had caved in and I couldn’t breathe.

It was the light of faith that helped me to keep going trusting that it would get better.

It was the light of learning that left me not regretting the past but grateful for the lessons learned.

It was the light that needed me to learn how to set the boundaries that would allow it the space and oxygen to stay lit. And maybe to shine brighter.

It was the light that taught me that I am merely the light-bearer, not the light itself.

It was the light of the torch flame that melted glass and created beauty.

It was the light that played in hundreds of photos and changed the way I look at the world.

And it was the light of the fire in me that led me to this blog, to the need write and to the risk of letting myself be seen.

Yup, it was not what I expected. Which makes picking a word for this year both exciting and scary. Because the word that I have picked – or rather which has picked me – is Joy.

I have certainly been happy over the past year but I have not felt that pure joy that makes me feel 100% alive. The joy I feel when I’m running.

Not the first part of the run when I want to stop and cough up a lung and head for the coffee shop. But, that sweet spot where I feel like I can run forever. Or dance or maybe even fly.

The joy of singing. When the breath and sound and tones vibrate through me in a way that makes me feel like my heart has learned to speak.

The joy of waking up early in the morning because I’m so excited about what the day will bring.

The joy of seeing a loved ones name on call-display or in my inbox and feeling that surge of excitement that I get to hear their voice and their stories.

The joy of being in the trees or near the ocean and finding myself in the slowness of geologic time, rather than the pressure of human time.

And the joy of a spiritual connection which fills me so full of this life that I don’t want to waste one single moment of it on the things that just won’t matter at the end of it.

As far as new year’s goals go, my little word seems kind of BHA – big, hairy and audacious.

But since I’ve shared it, I might as well get started on it. Because if it’s anything like last year, or the year before, all I have to do is take that first step and the rest of the journey will unfold as it will. With all it’s unexpected turns.

Guess it’s time to lace up my running shoes.

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Equilibrium

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I have been described as many things but patient is not one of them.

I am a big ideas person. I have a vision of how things can be and I work hard to realize those visions. And a lot of times that is a really great quality.

But when things go sideways or off track, it throws me. Everyone is turning left and off in the new direction and I am left standing there, saying “but … we were going this way …”

I read this great post this week called Why lying broken in a pile on your bedroom floor is a good idea. It talked about how when you are going through a transition like a breakup or a losing your job there is a period of mourning the death of the future, of the way you saw things unfolding.

I can so relate to that. I envy people who can easily change direction accepting that “oh well, things have changed!”

For me it takes some time. Time to get my feet back under me. To regroup and adjust to the new state. To pull back from the future that I thought was coming and back into the reality of what is. Time to stand still for awhile and then figure out the new direction.

This week has been like that. Work projects are in transition and I’m having to adjust and be patient. So far, my plans on four of the five nights this past week have changed unexpectedly. The photography class I’m taking is not what I thought it would be and I’m trying to set aside my disappointment and go with the flow of the class.

Thing is, last week I celebrated the autumn equinox. That time of equal balance between light and dark, night and day, life and death. As part of the celebration, I wrote this about the spirit of the equinox –

I am the perfect balance of the present. What is past has already been and what is the future is yet to be determined. What has gone before cannot be changed and what lies ahead is yet to be known. My gift is the peace of the present.

My lesson is to live in this moment. For the present has been shaped by the past and it is the present that will shape the future.

Live in the blessings of the still point of balance between light and dark, night and day, creation and destruction. For ever do these revolve in endless cycle.

Dark triumphs over light bringing death and rest. Light banishes the dark bringing rebirth and growth. But always they dance around the single point of equilibrium.

So live in the moment. Dance and sing and love and learn and be fully alive in the here and now. Live today as you would live your whole life.

For this moment is all that we have.

This weekend I am headed to Seattle and going to visit the Chihuly Exhibition and Gardens. I am going to try and set aside what I think the weekend will be. I am going to take lots of pictures of the glass art and not worry about the photography.

I am going to try and allow myself the time to adjust to some of the painful changes in direction that life has thrown at me. To allow myself to stand still and breathe and not expect that I have to be off and running again.

Because while it’s great to see the path ahead of me, I don’t want miss what’s right in front of me. To miss the chance to stop and be open to the other possibilities.

So for right now, I am going to try and be patient and still and let the future unfold in all its mystery.

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I’ve outed myself

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My last post was the first one that I’ve linked to on my Facebook status. And, I find that I’ve had an interesting reaction to this.

LIke I’ve outed myself on the interweb. Outed myself as … well … me.

I thought I might have that “ohmygoshwhathaveidone” reaction. What Brene Brown so wonderfully calls a vulnerability hangover. But that wasn’t it.

I just felt really free. Like I had opened a door and stepped out into a wider world of myself. And left behind a sometimes comforting but stifling restriction.

Thing is, nobody else really seemed to notice. I had lots more readers and two lovely comments from friends but that was it.

The incredible momentumness of the step seemed to pass pretty unnoticed.

Maybe that’s because to my friends, regular and Facebook, it was no big deal. They just know me and accept me. I was all “look at me, I’m free!” and they are all “yeah, dude, we know”.

And, for someone who has a wee tendency to overthink things until EVERYTHING BECOMES A BIG FRIGGIN DEAL, I kind of like that.

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